Sunday, August 29, 2004
WEEKENDTODAY
AUGUST 28 - 29 2004
Neil Humphreys
click to see column
If Singapore wants an olympic medal...
SHOUT! (And hide in the bathroom)
SINGAPOREANS will never win an Olympic medal until they learn to grunt like two mating gorillas.
Sporting excellence is not about talent, training, technique or the taxpayer's dollars that pay for all of that — it is about the grunt.
The bigger the grunt, the better the chances of professional and financial success, which I believe is also the motto in parts of Geylang and Batam.
But did you hear that squealing machine take on Li Jiawei in the women's table tennis singles in Athens last weekend?
If you didn't, let me describe its aural qualities.
You know that sound a pig makes when you pin its ears to a bamboo pole and hang it outside your HDB window?
Well, North Korea's Kim Hyang Mi made exactly the same sound each time she served.
After eyeballing Li, she'd throw the ball up in the air and then, in a high-pitched nasal whine that suggested she'd borrowed a nose clip from a synchronised swimmer, she'd scream: "ACAR CHA CHA!"
Sometimes, the Korean was slower and more deliberate, screaming: "ACAR, ACAR, ACAR", which made her sound like a woman with a speech impediment ordering pickles from an Indian stall.
The Korean's epic battle with Li went to seven games. By the fifth game, all the stray cats in Toa Payoh were wailing pitifully and the dogs were throwing themselves off the top of HDB car parks.
Critics have suggested Singapore's Li lost the match because she was focusing on the mental images of making the final and collecting a silver medal and the $500,000 that comes with it.
She didn't. She lost her concentration because she was focusing on the mental image of shoving her table tennis bat into her opponent's mouth.
In the end, her sense of decorum prevailed, which is more than can be said for my wife, who kept threatening the Korean with a screwdriver because she was holding one at the time (my wife, not the Korean).
Ultimately, Li lost in the screaming stakes, which is rather disappointing because Singaporeans would never be off the medal podium if shouting was an Olympic sport.
Rather than spend countless hours with some western-educated sports psychologist she can't understand, Li should take tips from a coffeeshop drinks seller.
Imagine the Korean's reaction if Li had bounced the ball three times, thrown it up in the air and shouted: "KOPI-O!"
The stunned opponent wouldn't know whether to return the serve or order a coffee.
Even a little Singlish might have sufficed.
Each time the orgasmic screamer chanted, "ACAR CHA CHA", Li should have retaliated with a "LAH, LAH, LAH!"
One lah is not emphatic enough and two sound like one of the Teletubbies.
But a resounding "LAH, LAH, LAH," on the key points, would have silenced the serial screamer.
Of course, the whining alone didn't cause Li's downfall. It would be naive to make such a supposition.
No, the real reason why Li fell at the final hurdle was me.
I should not have left the bathroom.
Before the match started, I was desperately trying to assert my masculinity by fixing a blocked sink using only a toothbrush and a screwdriver, which my wife held whenever she wasn't throwing it at the TV.
Within minutes, the plughole was clear and Li was 2-0 up. But then, just moments after joining the missus in front of the TV, the Singaporean dropped a game.
"Get back in the bathroom!" My wife ordered. "It's your bloody fault she's losing. You're a jinx."
"Oh yeah, like the poor girl is thinking, 'I bet Neil has unblocked the sink now', I'd better drop a game."
Naturally, as the words left my lips, Li missed a simple forehand and I shuffled back to the bathroom like a guilty schoolboy.
"How's she doing?" I shouted through a crack in the bathroom door.
"She's doing well, she's about to go 3-1 up," my wife replied. "And while you're there, you might as well scrub the floor."
In the end, curiosity took its toll and I raced back into the living room. Besides, there was nothing left in the bathroom to clean.
What happened? The Korean won the next three games and Li lost the match.
So my superstitious wife and I would like to apologise to the nation for costing them an Olympic medal.
It was foolish of me to leave the bathroom; I realise that now.
But if it's any consolation, we're no longer having any problems with our bathroom sink.
AUGUST 28 - 29 2004
Neil Humphreys
click to see column
If Singapore wants an olympic medal...
SHOUT! (And hide in the bathroom)
SINGAPOREANS will never win an Olympic medal until they learn to grunt like two mating gorillas.
Sporting excellence is not about talent, training, technique or the taxpayer's dollars that pay for all of that — it is about the grunt.
The bigger the grunt, the better the chances of professional and financial success, which I believe is also the motto in parts of Geylang and Batam.
But did you hear that squealing machine take on Li Jiawei in the women's table tennis singles in Athens last weekend?
If you didn't, let me describe its aural qualities.
You know that sound a pig makes when you pin its ears to a bamboo pole and hang it outside your HDB window?
Well, North Korea's Kim Hyang Mi made exactly the same sound each time she served.
After eyeballing Li, she'd throw the ball up in the air and then, in a high-pitched nasal whine that suggested she'd borrowed a nose clip from a synchronised swimmer, she'd scream: "ACAR CHA CHA!"
Sometimes, the Korean was slower and more deliberate, screaming: "ACAR, ACAR, ACAR", which made her sound like a woman with a speech impediment ordering pickles from an Indian stall.
The Korean's epic battle with Li went to seven games. By the fifth game, all the stray cats in Toa Payoh were wailing pitifully and the dogs were throwing themselves off the top of HDB car parks.
Critics have suggested Singapore's Li lost the match because she was focusing on the mental images of making the final and collecting a silver medal and the $500,000 that comes with it.
She didn't. She lost her concentration because she was focusing on the mental image of shoving her table tennis bat into her opponent's mouth.
In the end, her sense of decorum prevailed, which is more than can be said for my wife, who kept threatening the Korean with a screwdriver because she was holding one at the time (my wife, not the Korean).
Ultimately, Li lost in the screaming stakes, which is rather disappointing because Singaporeans would never be off the medal podium if shouting was an Olympic sport.
Rather than spend countless hours with some western-educated sports psychologist she can't understand, Li should take tips from a coffeeshop drinks seller.
Imagine the Korean's reaction if Li had bounced the ball three times, thrown it up in the air and shouted: "KOPI-O!"
The stunned opponent wouldn't know whether to return the serve or order a coffee.
Even a little Singlish might have sufficed.
Each time the orgasmic screamer chanted, "ACAR CHA CHA", Li should have retaliated with a "LAH, LAH, LAH!"
One lah is not emphatic enough and two sound like one of the Teletubbies.
But a resounding "LAH, LAH, LAH," on the key points, would have silenced the serial screamer.
Of course, the whining alone didn't cause Li's downfall. It would be naive to make such a supposition.
No, the real reason why Li fell at the final hurdle was me.
I should not have left the bathroom.
Before the match started, I was desperately trying to assert my masculinity by fixing a blocked sink using only a toothbrush and a screwdriver, which my wife held whenever she wasn't throwing it at the TV.
Within minutes, the plughole was clear and Li was 2-0 up. But then, just moments after joining the missus in front of the TV, the Singaporean dropped a game.
"Get back in the bathroom!" My wife ordered. "It's your bloody fault she's losing. You're a jinx."
"Oh yeah, like the poor girl is thinking, 'I bet Neil has unblocked the sink now', I'd better drop a game."
Naturally, as the words left my lips, Li missed a simple forehand and I shuffled back to the bathroom like a guilty schoolboy.
"How's she doing?" I shouted through a crack in the bathroom door.
"She's doing well, she's about to go 3-1 up," my wife replied. "And while you're there, you might as well scrub the floor."
In the end, curiosity took its toll and I raced back into the living room. Besides, there was nothing left in the bathroom to clean.
What happened? The Korean won the next three games and Li lost the match.
So my superstitious wife and I would like to apologise to the nation for costing them an Olympic medal.
It was foolish of me to leave the bathroom; I realise that now.
But if it's any consolation, we're no longer having any problems with our bathroom sink.
blossom. 2:05 PM
Saturday, August 28, 2004
had history mock and teachers' day rehearsal yesterday. since the weather is terribly hot, i took the seat next to the fan. indeed, it did cool me down. but it also threatened to blow my papers away. so history mock was a battle with my papers. gorby came out for sbq. wasnt really expecting it, but i guess i managed to crap something out of the nonsense sources. seq was okay. the three chapters that i studied properly all came out. so i knew how to do all the (a) questions. but the (b)s were terribly difficult. if only we can just mix and match.
teachers' day rehearsal went on fine. just some problems and pissing moments. but we did solve it.
the prelims are increasingly near and so are the o's. yes thats scary. but after reading emma's blog, the thought of leaving tkgs, or rather, 4/2 is so much scarier. maybe i'll even miss oddy. actually, that would be crazily difficult.
its all coming to an end.
teachers' day rehearsal went on fine. just some problems and pissing moments. but we did solve it.
the prelims are increasingly near and so are the o's. yes thats scary. but after reading emma's blog, the thought of leaving tkgs, or rather, 4/2 is so much scarier. maybe i'll even miss oddy. actually, that would be crazily difficult.
its all coming to an end.
blossom. 3:05 PM
Sunday, August 22, 2004
so li jiawei lost. and gone is singapore's hope for an olympics medal. but li jiawei, singapore's still proud of you. china's zhang yining won the gold. i thank her for putting kim hyang mi in her position. but damn that korean, she still got a medal.
the olympics are simply too addictive. have not done any proper work at all. shit.
the olympics are simply too addictive. have not done any proper work at all. shit.
blossom. 8:07 PM
Saturday, August 21, 2004
li jiawei lost 3-4 to kim hyung mi for a place in the finals. i must say i was sorely disappointed, she was so close to a medal. so so close. just two points away in fact. but at the very least, she didnt lose her fight. i dont think so at least. hopefully she'll clinch the bronze tmr.
blossom. 8:45 PM
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
for a good laugh, read xinyi's bio mock paper. satisfaction guaranteed. qi li xiang made me fall in love with guitar again. who knows, i may take guitar up once again.
blossom. 7:36 PM
Saturday, August 14, 2004
two new albums: x-country and zany green parade and spy collection. the x-country album is damn nice. many hilarious shots. zany green today was definitely fun. even though we didnt win first (which i still think we deserved to), but at least we got second ;P spy collection mainly, if not totally, contains pictures of the basketball guys that everyone is besotted with. now, i'll bring their addiction to a higher level. i think i'll get many orders for prints. haha.
blossom. 6:15 PM
Thursday, August 12, 2004
didnt do well for chinese o lvls. not exactly sad, just regretful. the way i slacked i know i deserved it. but at least this has hit me hard enough to get me studying. less than three weeks to prelims. i have seriously a LOT to do.
blossom. 6:55 PM
Friday, August 06, 2004
took loads of photos today. i even took one of oddy. uploaded them already. for viewing pleasures of all, especially emma ;P go check it out.
sang so much during the concert. the depertment singing was really a good idea. not that our teachers are fantastic singers, but it was fun. yap acted as though it was his concert and lopez was hilarious to watch. tausapao was being her usual self, hogging the microphone and the limelight. now everyone knows what we have to go thru during chinese.
went to play bball after the national day celebrations. ppl were disappointed cos certain significant others did not appear. haha. played for super long. think the sun made us mad. we were observing grass and dissecting grass flowers. isabel and waiyen took it a little further by chasing insects. and they actually managed to catch one. yes we've gone crazy.
sang so much during the concert. the depertment singing was really a good idea. not that our teachers are fantastic singers, but it was fun. yap acted as though it was his concert and lopez was hilarious to watch. tausapao was being her usual self, hogging the microphone and the limelight. now everyone knows what we have to go thru during chinese.
went to play bball after the national day celebrations. ppl were disappointed cos certain significant others did not appear. haha. played for super long. think the sun made us mad. we were observing grass and dissecting grass flowers. isabel and waiyen took it a little further by chasing insects. and they actually managed to catch one. yes we've gone crazy.
blossom. 7:34 PM
Thursday, August 05, 2004
not gonna wear any costume tmr. didnt managed to borrow any. going to be quite extra. cos almost the whole class wearing. but heck. costume or not, i'll still have fun. taking photos of everyone. and playing bball after that.
i love 4/2.
i love 4/2.
blossom. 8:52 PM
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
my throat hurts. what i thought was a minor sore throat turned out to be some illness that i cant remember the name of. according to my doc, my throat happens to be inflamed with white spots lying around that threaten to burst and leave my throat in pus. so he gave me a week's dosage of super strong antibiotics (as he calls it) and probably two months' worth of panadols for the fever which is absent but will be back.
from what ive heard, eleven ponned school today. and two teachers were absent. what a total slack day. guess i just missed out on the fun. they did some career test and roach ended up to be a potential cake decorator. and oddball a future coroner. it is highly doubtful that she'll be the next song ci.
jieyi just announced the arrival of qi li xiang. omg am i not excited.
from what ive heard, eleven ponned school today. and two teachers were absent. what a total slack day. guess i just missed out on the fun. they did some career test and roach ended up to be a potential cake decorator. and oddball a future coroner. it is highly doubtful that she'll be the next song ci.
jieyi just announced the arrival of qi li xiang. omg am i not excited.
blossom. 4:28 PM